Listening to: Metallica
Reading: If There Be Thorns
Playing: Candy Crush
Eating: Nothing Yet
Drinking: Nothing Yet
Well it's been four months or so. There have been some changes, ones that I'm proud of, and one I'm darn confused about. I suppose I'll talk about my Ai graduation. It went by so fast, one minute I was ordering my cap and gown, the next my day had come. Only my dad, my twin, and my other sister came, and cousin. I wish my mom could have been there! Glad I had somebody there too. I woke up early yet I was rushing...if that made any sense at all? LOL, I kept freaking out that I was going to be late, I was waiting for my cousin who was late, to get off the redline ha only to go back on it to get there. Had to ask for directions too, everybody was in line, they were all talking to their friends, I was alone. And Nick helped me with my sash cause I had trouble..and here comes the confused part, he helped me, and then deletes me off facebook.
It was a good graduation, O.o I shook McCarthy's hand, I'm surprised he did, at least with anger I'm surprised he didn't. He probably kept thinking , your lucky I passed you...D's and all. I tried so hard for him and he graded me poorly. But I suppose he does that to mostly everyone, especially to the god students who were born with greatness. I believe they are at the school. And he just loved them, never had to complain to them. He always thought I didn't storyboard my stuff out...and how could, with the time frame and high standard level to put us in? And with the people who were so darn great, he never questioned them about storyboarding, I bet you they didn't even do it for homework! Even if McCarthy wasn't proud of me, I was for standing at the platform. I got the wrong side when having my hand shaken and posing for the camera lol glad I just didn't fall or trip or lose my hat (though it kept bugging me with sliding). The whole time I thought I put it on wrong. I was also worried I put it on backwards lol. I didn't through my hat up, I wanted too almost but I was afraid I'd lose it and my tassel would be lost. Went out to dinner at the Cheesecake Factory, had good discussions, a lot of them where theological and well , that always gets me fired up and opinionated (like I always am).
The change of Nick deleting me for no reason though, has gotten me stressed beyond relief, beyond comprehension and beyond my understanding of there of..lack of how guy's minds work. I keep telling myself I'm not to blame, I didn't do anything wrong...and I didn't. We hugged, and told him to stay in touch and he said yes, then I went to Phil's party and he said hi to me and that was that. Next thing I knew, he deletes me, then I typed to him why..he does the cowardly thing to do and blocks me .....some friend....some stay in touch. Since there I haven't been eating too well, sometimes I eat to much and sometimes nothing really at all. It's weird, though I told him I liked him and we barely hung out, it still hurts me with the deleting and blocking. It was hard to get over my first break up, and now that I tried to befriend another guy, even so much as tell him I like him. Only for him to say, I don't wanna lead you on........as if I'm not even worth that...I know that's crazy thinking. I can't explain it, but he wouldn't even give me a chance. It was so hard to even not think of my ex, and by me trying to ask Nick out, I got burned before anything ever really started...it sucks and it's just not fair. I'm almost 30 and I feel my life has already passed me by. It took a lot of guts to even try again. I guess there is nothing I can do , from these experiences, life is just telling me to A, can't trust guys for the deep potential they have for loving someone, and B, to have my guard up.
I'm told I'm this great girl, I'm a great friend....if so, why all the deleting? Why are the lies? Why do guys have all the power , why are people who do the breaking up with, use their powers to defeat and hurt the powerless victims who are just as innocent? Is there no justice of the heart? To Serve and Protect?....No....? well there should be! It's like , I try my best with everything but even that just makes things worse, by trying to optimistic. I've never been the super depressed, but..I find myself when it comes to guys and the breaking up, I turn into a vegetable. A sad lonely one, who needs affection and love just like everybody else. Is being and love and giving me love that hard to ask for? Seriously, if I'm this nice girl..then all I have to say is what the fuck? (I never swear, so it takes someone to piss me off to talk with profanity)!!!! I then tend to think things I normally don't and normally wouldn't do..like hurting myself or suicide...and that was never me, sometimes I snap out of it. But when it's a big sadness, sometimes I don't bounce back as quickly..that is how I am I guess. I don't know if I'll bounce back from this, especially seeing happy couples. Lately that alone has been making my eyes flare with fire!!! I end up despising happy couples, happy couples with perfect lives..despite people telling me they have bad lives too, or not so perfect lives. Well, the experiences I've had, they seem far more perfect than I. When I watch romantic movies, I'm happy to see the couples, it's hard not to get wrapped up in that. It's weird, how in movies , I tend to want what I can't have or don't have..and yet people would say , in the movies that's far more perfect than the lives of couples in reality, but I'm not so sure that is so...sometimes I feel crazy, I feel crazy because guys will say I'm crazy cause I text a lot or seem sad and pathetic "damsel in distress"..as if I wasn't provoked in the first place..as if I just decided to be depressed for no reason and I'm bringing them down in the first place.
Not sure why Nick did this, but like most guys who do this to me and who don't care, their actions have severer consequences to my feelings and heart and mind. They don't think their words will hurt me, and they couldn't be more wrong ...more dead wrong. Why don't they care? Well that's beyond me, why they decide not to care or even cry and be sensisive..be more human that I know they can be? I guess that's all I can say, what else can I say that I haven't said, I'm hurt, mad, confused, isolated, alienated, and well..damn sick of it all. I'm too trusting, and too nice, and what's that saying? Nice guys finish last. Is that true? Sometimes I think it is, it's like I try to be me and for guys that don't work, I try to be something they will like me to be and I turn to be obsessive. So I guess I can't win. It's amazing what kind of powerful effect guys can have on a woman, good and bad. I wonder if any guys feel the way I do with this stuff?