pixarviolet

Well it's been four months or so. There have been some changes, ones that I'm proud of, and one I'm darn confused about. I suppose I'll talk about my Ai graduation. It went by so fast, one minute I was ordering my cap and gown, the next my day had come. Only my dad, my twin, and my other sister came, and cousin. I wish my mom could have been there! Glad I had somebody there too. I woke up early yet I was rushing...if that made any sense at all? LOL, I kept freaking out that I was going to be late, I was waiting for my cousin who was late, to get off the redline ha only to go back on it to get there. Had to ask for directions too, everybody was in line, they were all talking to their friends, I was alone. And Nick helped me with my sash cause I had trouble..and here comes the confused part, he helped me, and then deletes me off facebook.

It was a good graduation, O.o I shook McCarthy's hand, I'm surprised he did, at least with anger I'm surprised he didn't. He probably kept thinking , your lucky I passed you...D's and all. I tried so hard for him and he graded me poorly. But I suppose he does that to mostly everyone, especially to the god students who were born with greatness. I believe they are at the school. And he just loved them, never had to complain to them. He always thought I didn't storyboard my stuff out...and how could, with the time frame and high standard level to put us in? And with the people who were so darn great, he never questioned them about storyboarding, I bet you they didn't even do it for homework! Even if McCarthy wasn't proud of me, I was for standing at the platform. I got the wrong side when having my hand shaken and posing for the camera lol glad I just didn't fall or trip or lose my hat (though it kept bugging me with sliding). The whole time I thought I put it on wrong. I was also worried I put it on backwards lol. I didn't through my hat up, I wanted too almost but I was afraid I'd lose it and my tassel would be lost.  Went out to dinner at the Cheesecake Factory, had good discussions, a lot of them where theological and well , that always gets me fired up and opinionated (like I always am).

The change of Nick deleting me for no reason though, has gotten me stressed beyond relief, beyond comprehension and beyond my understanding of there of..lack of how guy's minds work. I keep telling myself I'm not to blame, I didn't do anything wrong...and I didn't. We hugged, and told him to stay in touch and he said yes, then I went to Phil's party and he said hi to me and that was that. Next thing I knew, he deletes me, then I typed to him why..he does the cowardly thing to do and blocks me .....some friend....some stay in touch. Since there I haven't been eating too well, sometimes I eat to much and sometimes nothing really at all. It's weird, though I told him I liked him and we barely hung out, it still hurts me with the deleting and blocking. It was hard to get over my first break up, and now that I tried to befriend another guy, even so much as tell him I like him. Only for him to say, I don't wanna lead you on........as if I'm not even worth that...I know that's crazy thinking. I can't explain it, but he wouldn't even give me a chance. It was so hard to even not think of my ex, and by me trying to ask Nick out, I got burned before anything ever really started...it sucks and it's just not fair. I'm almost 30 and I feel my life has already passed me by.  It took a lot of guts to even try again. I guess there is nothing I can do , from these experiences, life is just telling me to A, can't trust guys for the deep potential they have for loving someone, and B, to have my guard up.

I'm told I'm this great girl, I'm a great friend....if so, why all the deleting? Why are the lies? Why do guys have all the power , why are people who do the breaking up with, use their powers to defeat and hurt the powerless victims who are just as innocent? Is there no justice of the heart? To Serve and Protect?....No....? well there should be! It's like , I try my best with everything but even that just makes things worse, by trying to optimistic. I've never been the super depressed, but..I find myself when it comes to guys and the breaking up, I turn into a vegetable. A sad lonely one, who needs affection and love just like everybody else. Is being and love and giving me love that hard to ask for? Seriously, if I'm this nice girl..then all I have to say is what the fuck? (I never swear, so it takes someone to piss me off to talk with profanity)!!!! I then tend to think things I normally don't and normally wouldn't do..like hurting myself or suicide...and that was never me, sometimes I snap out of it. But when it's a big sadness, sometimes I don't bounce back as quickly..that is how I am I guess. I don't know if I'll bounce back from this, especially seeing happy couples. Lately that alone has been making my eyes flare with fire!!! I end up despising happy couples, happy couples with perfect lives..despite people telling me they have bad lives too, or not so perfect lives. Well, the experiences I've had, they seem far more perfect than I. When I watch romantic movies, I'm happy to see the couples, it's hard not to get wrapped up in that. It's weird, how in movies , I tend to want what I can't have or don't have..and yet people would say , in the movies that's far more perfect than the lives of couples in reality, but I'm not so sure that is so...sometimes I feel crazy, I feel crazy because guys will say I'm crazy cause I text a lot or seem sad and pathetic "damsel in distress"..as if I wasn't provoked in the first place..as if I just decided to be depressed for no reason and I'm bringing them down in the first place.

Not sure why Nick did this, but like most guys who do this to me and who don't care, their actions have severer consequences to my feelings and heart and mind. They don't think their words will hurt me, and they couldn't be more wrong ...more dead wrong. Why don't they care? Well that's beyond me, why they decide not to care or even cry and be sensisive..be more human that I know they can be? I guess that's all I can say, what else can I say that I haven't said, I'm hurt, mad, confused, isolated, alienated, and well..damn sick of it all. I'm too trusting, and too nice, and what's that saying? Nice guys finish last. Is that true? Sometimes I think it is, it's like I try to be me and for guys that don't work, I try to be something they will like me to be and I turn to be obsessive. So I guess I can't win. It's amazing what kind of powerful effect guys can have on a woman, good and bad. I wonder if any guys feel the way I do with this stuff?

I'm in love with this song, up to my very core, and nothing in my heart speaks loveliness then this song here. I always get inspired to sing, dance and even draw when I hear this song. It's the type of song I have too..or need to hear regularly, maybe even every day. But what It's mostly great with, is my skating, I can see myself improving. I skate beautifully when I hear this (or try too tee!). When I'm in the skating mood for slow or even just to pick up the pace and put beautiful moves behind every twirl/going backwards, this is the song does this.  I love Deana Cater on the soundtrack. It's my favorite song out of Anastasia! Makes me want to look up her history which I've done before but it never sank in! I'd like to learn new skating moves (on ice or my rollerblades) where I really can get into the song with some extra beauty behind my skating. And who knows, sing and record a cover of this, if I have the equipment and get over some of my shyness...just alittle lol All in all, when I need inspiring, day dreaming, I look no further, then this song: Once Upon A December

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Lyrics~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Something happened to me last night as I was packing up to the leave the school. Not only was 3D giving me a hard time, but then the real pain and horror began. Something, that has probably changed my views forever. I'm a happy person, so when you see a happy cheerful person suddenly just ((SNAP)) then you know something is wrong. There was this black woman guard that came in, five minutes before , in the most cold, rude way possible and very mean. But what I didn't know what was to come, even more mean. In such a mean way, that my heart pulsed every time I looked at her face, every time my heart raced from her words...fear for my very life. After she came in and warned me to save up, she was then suppose to come in at 12 to lock up, well she didn't, so I was ready and prepared, but I had to help my sister with something on the computer. Then it became 12:05, I was up, and said, I just want to make sure my flash drive is in my bag, then , her words became very violent and rage. She said, HEY, I GOT KIDS TO FEED, (as if I need kids to be considered as a human being, as if I had no reason to be valued or listen too, as if my time was no worthy of hers just because I had no Damn kids. I feel sorry for kids with the likes of her, they are going to grow up to be just like her, and we don't need her kind of meanness in this world). She crossed the line, she not only brought her personal life into this, but made me feel stupid and insignificant. I was a ticking bomb, she made me feel this way, so I pointed to the clock and said it was 12:05, and she meanly corrected me, and said NO, IT'S 12:10 , (again making me seem like I didn't know something, as if I was stupid...as if I didn't know how to tell time). She's like, you always do this...and I said, I never seen you before, there is tons of students...how does she single me out and remember just me???????? So my sister was there for me and said please don't be mean to us or yell at us. And the woman threatened me and said You do this again and I'll kick you out, .....all for trying to stick up for my rights...my rights as a student...she egged it on by being rude. It's because of her....that.........I'm thinking bad thoughts........I feel powerless, low, ......I've had bad experiences with black women...I don't want people to think I'm mean ....but I'm scared of black people now..not just cause of her, but I saw three black people today , on the phone..talking the same way...with a rude attitude and dominant. My heart was filling up , ready to explode with fear...terror, humility, ready to snap, ready to blow. It's like the more I tried to stick up for myself..the more she jumped on me with her words, threats. She got to me so much that even today, I can't get her out of my head......all I keep hearing is her wicked voice. I often wished I had powers, then she wouldn't be so quick to cross me, and she could never prove it because even with cameras, who would believe the supernatural? But as of now, I feel powerless...that disaster has struck inside my heart....pain, fear.....I don't want to leave school for her.

Well, haven't written since Oct. So I figured, what the hey, I'm not doing anything now, I'll write on here DA today. So, for any that care , or who even reads this ha my birthday is coming up. I like birthdays, but not the getting old part. If I had my way, I would be immortal and never age. & I'd stay good looking or at least decent forever ha is that to much to ask?! Anyway, I don't know what I'll do or if anybody will show up this year. It will be on a Sunday which most things close early on that day anyways so I don't know if that's a good thing really lol. I want to go to a indoor rollerblading rink, with fun music and stuff, like the one I went too months ago with some friends. It was abit far away, somewhere haverhill. It was cool though, the lights were out and disco lights, ah such fun, it was like being at roll land again though that place is turned into something else sigh ha I miss it!

Any who, so my school paperwork is done that should have been done months ago, I partly blame my internship people since they didn't let me know my supervisor was, and as a result, they were slow on signing ...singing like three pieces of paper lOL sounds stupid and silly when you think about it, I mean come on, I could have done that in a day. So when the school opens up for the winter Quarter, I'm hoping the register office will take my paperwork.
I add to this later.......